Telling the Truth

INTEGRITY: Is Honesty and Option?

When I was a little kid my friend's mother asked me directly if her daughter had been eating chocolate. The daughter - my best friend - had chocolate ice cream stain around her mouth and on her chin. I remember thinking, my friend has said she hasn't eaten chocolate but she has. I said, "yes". My friend was led away and I didn't see her again until the next day when we met again to play.

When I was a little older and was being bullied, I was accused of lying. I'm not sure what accusation could have hurt me more.

You see, lying isn't an option for me. It never has been. Oh, there have been moments in my life when I've skirted an issue, like when my son asked me about Santa Claus. I never out-and-out said yes there was a Santa or 'Here's what Santa gave you' but rather he assumed all about Santa and the anonymous gift under the tree and I allowed him to draw his conclusions. Perhaps my absence of declaration is what led him to conclude there wasn't a Santa when he was barely 7 - a fairly young age.

I do remember once lying to my mother... only once, because I categorically believed at the time the truth would have upset her very much. By then I was about 20 so I didn't think she needed to know the truth about a particularly personal issue. That is the only blatant lie I'm aware of telling.

Fast forward I take a look at society today, when politicians lie, lawyers have a terrible reputation and television sit com stories hinge on lies, it's no wonder if it doesn't occur to people that lying is not an option.

Call me old fashioned, but I do believe it is possible to survive and keep relationships without lying. Sometimes the truth hurts, but generally I've seen that 'the truth sets us free' - when we hide behind lies we can often feel trapped, while admitting our failures or faux pas releases us from the shame that lies create, as well as giving us a clear conscience. Usually lies are said to protect, but I think if lying is not an option we are more apt to behave more honorably in the first place.

I'm not perfect. I know others with more integrity than I have. But in the case of lying, I've found telling the truth, though sometimes difficult, is a lifestyle that is healthier, friendlier and leads to more responsible behavior.

Can you think of a time when you've had to lie? How did you feel keeping the truth to yourself? Looking back, would you have done anything differently? Are there occasions when lying is the best option?

Would love to know your thoughts.

Child Speaks His Mind

I'm so glad that my young son (now 8) speaks his mind... Oh, sometimes he's so direct to his daddy or to me it's positively presumptuous (no, not scrumptious but presumptuous).
BUT because he articulates what he thinks, it's often very helpful to avoiding the development of his own neurosis.

Have I ever mentioned that I was neurotic as a twenty-something? As a thirty-something too for that matter. I think by 40 I sorted it out because by then I'd realized I was living under a cloud and that cloud didn't belong... longer story about getting out from under the cloud but in any case, early on in my life I was so focused on me I didn't realize that wasn't necessarily healthy or .... necessary.

Anyway, because I grew into a neurotic person (self diagnosed and non-threatening, except to myself) I abundantly aware I don't want that for my son. I've sort of been on high-alert to danger signs. So, when he says 'stuff' after an argument that suggests 'it's all my fault' or 'if only I hadn't...' I'm keen to let him know it takes two to argue - or even three as in our household which includes Hubby, Me and Son - and it is rarely only one person's responsibility. Nor can one person avoid an argument when other(s) choose to be grumpy.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. Let me sight a specific case in point: take tonight for example...

Tonight Son wasn't feeling very well after gym class. We'd had made casual plans to go out for dinner but decided at the last minute not to as he wasn't feeling great and neither of us felt like it any more either.

All fine.

We get home and after a soupy meal, Hubby says, "So, we're not going to watch a movie tonight."
Hubby and I had discussed (in private) the possibility of finishing a movie before Son went to bed, a movie we'd started earlier in the week.
Son was confused. I said, 'Hubby why did you raise it if we're not going to do it and now you've put it into his head and disappointed him?!'
Innocent hubby had been thinking out loud and had made his statement rather absentmindedly, not realizing that Son hadn't been privy to our conversation hours earlier.

Big 3-way discussion ensues about the wherefores and why nots -- and not without a bit of back-talk from mind-speaking Son (remember this is where we began?) -- of the evening's lack of activity. Eventually I pronounce 'bottom line: Son can't watch a movie because he isn't very well and needs to get to bed.'

Okay.

So, Son heads to our bed. I'd set him up to take my side of the bed before dinner and announced it to both of them - or so I thought. Now, such an invitation is extremely rare. But as it's winter outside and next week he has his first competition (Son is a bit of a gymnast) I want to ensure he stays healthy. Hubby though is busy doing house-hold chores in master bedroom. I try to kick Hubby out of the room.
No, Son is not sleeping in our bedroom!... "Mommy made a mistake."
Son nearly reduced to tears of frustration says, "If only I hadn't been sick..."
I say by way of aside: "Nah, Honey, that's not it. I think Mommy and Daddy were grumpy... Circumstances aren't usually what create an argument, it's moods that do that more often. An argument rarely happens because of what any one person or another says or does."

Well, isn't that true? Doesn't arguing arise from the need to vent our frustrations? No sense my son taking the blame for himself AND 2 adults. He's got enough on his plate just dealing with his own bad mood.

So, today I'm glad to have averted a negative message digging into my son's mind, and putting a cloud over it. He isn't responsible for everything that happens in this household. And he doesn't need to carry that burden.

If Son wasn't so outspoken, or I hadn't heard his comment, he'd be walking around with guilt - on top of feeling a bit miserable physically. I'm glad he speaks his mind, even if it isn't always in a perfectly polite way.

The ability to speak one's mind is a gift, and one that deserves nurturing I think.