Forgiving - Myself

Sometimes I am tempted to come down pretty hard on myself. Then I remember a time when I realized it was time to stop beating myself up emotionally.

One day, while sitting on my living room carpet, I was criticizing myself - berating myself in fact. I had realized I'd just made another bad decision....

Here was the scenario:
I was a struggling actress and I had been offered a bit part for no pay. So, I said "No, thank you," thinking I was made for better a contract than that. And then I realized after it was too late to change my mind -- and even before the film became a 'hit' -- that I'd missed the boat.

So, typical of me, having realized I'd made a mistake, I then proceeded to berate myself: mentally and emotionally beating myself up for being so blind and so stupid as to turn down an offer of film acting.
During this session of self-criticism it dawned on me: How long was I going to do this? Was there any real purpose in it? It wasn't going to change the situation. And if I wasn't meant to 'judge' other people, that must also surely include myself.

So, I stopped the emotional tirade upon myself (that was about 15 years ago). And decided that was a habit worth breaking for good.

I've not done that since. A bad habit was broken that day, a habit I'd formed from childhood or at least my teen years.

What good is it to put oneself down? To abuse oneself does not do any good. Yes we need to learn from our mistakes so we don't repeat them, but self-criticism is not helpful if it causes us to shame ourselves.

Forgiveness is very freeing, not as much for the person who is forgiven but particularly for the one holding the grudge. Unforgiveness binds us to the past whereas forgiveness sets us free from bitterness and pain, allowing us to move into the present and the future. I've never been one to hold a grudge. And when I learned not to punish myself, I learned not to hold a grudge against myself. That was entirely liberating!

Whatever unforgiveness shackles you, may I urge you to let it go?!

Featured as Guest Blogger

Hi, if you're interested in book reviews or author profiles, if you'd like to read a guest post I wrote, please see:

http://bookmarketingbuzzblog.blogspot.com/2013/02/young-minorities-lead-smartphone-owners.html

Brian Feinblum's Book Marketing Buzz Blog is awesome!

Don't Know What to Do? What do you Have in your Hands?

We've all got talents, interests and skills. Hopefully our skills and interests overlap, at least most of the time. If we want desperately to achieve something, we work at it, because as Einstein said, "Genius is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration".

Because of the passion, boldness and courage inherent in youth, young people - I don't mean children  but rather teens/twenty-somethings - have a definite advantage over older people to satisfy their potential. Somehow, older folk become complacent or fearful or loose the idealism of Youth. I like to connect with young people (and in this blog I imagine that I am) because I value their perspective and hope to sprinkle that with a bit of wise encouragement. You see, I believe that whatever gift(s) we're born with are intended to be used to shape our lives - and the lives of the people around us - for the better. So, "point one": Don't doubt the power of your influence! Whether it's now or in a decade from now, what you do will make an impact.

I believe we're each put here for a particular purpose. The talents we're born with and the circumstances we're faced with, gear us toward that purpose. By using the abilities we've got, moving passionately within our circumstances, we'll discover the purpose for which we are here!

I took for granted some of the things I was good at, despised them really, and preferred the 'challenge' of doing something, well, more challenging. But that was stupid of me.That took me on some detours, that weren't exactly a waste of time, but they didn't draw me nearer to fulfillment either. You see, my journey shows me that fulfillment is the satisfaction of being in the right circumstance that allows you to use your abilities and all the lessons you've learned so far, to make a difference to the world around you.

It took me a l-o-n-g time but eventually, after teaching, acting, singing, administration, eventually I woke up to the purpose for which I was put here on this earth, namely, to offer my perspective/insight/revelations to others. It wasn't obvious to me for a long time, but now I write and I love it!

I believe if we use our abilities, and if we explore what fascinates us, we'll eventually find our purpose: the reason we were put here. So, whatever you have in your hands - whatever gift, education, natural inclination or fascination - I believe that's where you're meant to begin.

I had a pen, a serious appreciation for diaries and other little books with nice, even stunningly beautiful covers and lots of lined-but-otherwise-empty pages. I've had a propensity to think too much, say too much and write every nuance of every thought I ever had on a given day. And by age 15, I had a track record of long letter writing.

I took detours from age 18 to 40, thinking I wouldn't succeed at writing. But eventually I just got down to it seriously. I may never make a penny, but I have to do it. I guess that's the secret of choosing a vocation - it's just something you've 'got to do'. For me, it's writing. What is it for you? Whatever it is, no one can take it away from you. Find it and you'll find fulfillment. Ignore it and I think you won't.

Whatever is your passion, whatever drives you forward: that's probably the 'hint' telling you what you're made to be. You can respect it. Cherish it and nurture it, even if it won't pay the bills. Even if it won't satisfy someone else. Because at the end of the day, you have the possibility to be precisely who you were born to be. And that's an awesome prospect.

What have you got in your hands?

Child Speaks His Mind

I'm so glad that my young son (now 8) speaks his mind... Oh, sometimes he's so direct to his daddy or to me it's positively presumptuous (no, not scrumptious but presumptuous).
BUT because he articulates what he thinks, it's often very helpful to avoiding the development of his own neurosis.

Have I ever mentioned that I was neurotic as a twenty-something? As a thirty-something too for that matter. I think by 40 I sorted it out because by then I'd realized I was living under a cloud and that cloud didn't belong... longer story about getting out from under the cloud but in any case, early on in my life I was so focused on me I didn't realize that wasn't necessarily healthy or .... necessary.

Anyway, because I grew into a neurotic person (self diagnosed and non-threatening, except to myself) I abundantly aware I don't want that for my son. I've sort of been on high-alert to danger signs. So, when he says 'stuff' after an argument that suggests 'it's all my fault' or 'if only I hadn't...' I'm keen to let him know it takes two to argue - or even three as in our household which includes Hubby, Me and Son - and it is rarely only one person's responsibility. Nor can one person avoid an argument when other(s) choose to be grumpy.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. Let me sight a specific case in point: take tonight for example...

Tonight Son wasn't feeling very well after gym class. We'd had made casual plans to go out for dinner but decided at the last minute not to as he wasn't feeling great and neither of us felt like it any more either.

All fine.

We get home and after a soupy meal, Hubby says, "So, we're not going to watch a movie tonight."
Hubby and I had discussed (in private) the possibility of finishing a movie before Son went to bed, a movie we'd started earlier in the week.
Son was confused. I said, 'Hubby why did you raise it if we're not going to do it and now you've put it into his head and disappointed him?!'
Innocent hubby had been thinking out loud and had made his statement rather absentmindedly, not realizing that Son hadn't been privy to our conversation hours earlier.

Big 3-way discussion ensues about the wherefores and why nots -- and not without a bit of back-talk from mind-speaking Son (remember this is where we began?) -- of the evening's lack of activity. Eventually I pronounce 'bottom line: Son can't watch a movie because he isn't very well and needs to get to bed.'

Okay.

So, Son heads to our bed. I'd set him up to take my side of the bed before dinner and announced it to both of them - or so I thought. Now, such an invitation is extremely rare. But as it's winter outside and next week he has his first competition (Son is a bit of a gymnast) I want to ensure he stays healthy. Hubby though is busy doing house-hold chores in master bedroom. I try to kick Hubby out of the room.
No, Son is not sleeping in our bedroom!... "Mommy made a mistake."
Son nearly reduced to tears of frustration says, "If only I hadn't been sick..."
I say by way of aside: "Nah, Honey, that's not it. I think Mommy and Daddy were grumpy... Circumstances aren't usually what create an argument, it's moods that do that more often. An argument rarely happens because of what any one person or another says or does."

Well, isn't that true? Doesn't arguing arise from the need to vent our frustrations? No sense my son taking the blame for himself AND 2 adults. He's got enough on his plate just dealing with his own bad mood.

So, today I'm glad to have averted a negative message digging into my son's mind, and putting a cloud over it. He isn't responsible for everything that happens in this household. And he doesn't need to carry that burden.

If Son wasn't so outspoken, or I hadn't heard his comment, he'd be walking around with guilt - on top of feeling a bit miserable physically. I'm glad he speaks his mind, even if it isn't always in a perfectly polite way.

The ability to speak one's mind is a gift, and one that deserves nurturing I think.

Another Christmas... gone

Gone. Two days ago. A bit like a wedding Christmas has, for some, a lot of prep, a lot of hype, a lot of cost. Then, like the last donut in the box, like a baby bird trained and ready for flight, like a spec of dust near the noisy hoover, it's gone. Gone with the wind.

What is all the hype about? Giving? Stress? Joy? Jesus? I heard from a reliable source recently that in the States, until 110 years ago Christmas was a non-event... until department stores saw the 'value' of it. 'Course it's been running for a good while around Europe. I believe it began with a great, rich guy called Nicholas who, on the 6th of December gave money to poor orphans to keep them out of slavery. That generosity got Nick a sainthood and as time went on the whole thing morphed into a celebration of Jesus' birth and then an opportunity to give things away to people - especially children - that we love.

Anyhow, this year at our house we didn't do Christmas. And you know what? There was nothing lost. No stress came and no hype died. 

I like Jesus and I like kids and I still like presents. But even without "Christmas" I had a great day with people I love. I didn't put on any weight or go into debt.

Main reason I'm writing is because lots of people get depressed after Christmas. So here's to say, you can look ahead to next Christmas and choose the option to opt out. We did and we're no worse for it. Perhaps better!

Disowned and Redeemed

At 24 I came to the LORD - God, Yaweh, Abba, I AM. Lot's of names. I like to call him "Creator of the Universe."
At 29 I was disowned by my family (for other reasons which may eventually come to light in this blog) - but God stuck with me.

I didn't have to please God (he's 'Father to the fatherless') though if I'd had a chance I would have reconciled with my dad - but he died less than a year after he disowned me. To a degree there was reconciliation with my mom - she's gone now too. None so far with my sibling though.
That's the disowned part.

The redeemed part is that I'm accepted by God and loved. And I want to do my best but not for love or acceptance but out of a desire to put into the WORLD Life! A positive pursuit.

I write, not because I have all the answers, but because God does and I have a lot of questions.

There's suicide out there and a lot of it seems to come from teens and twenty-somethings. I wanted out a number of times. But I'm passed that age and I'm still here and I'm SO glad I am. So sticking it out is worth it. NO MATTER WHAT!

At 16: I shouted at my dad. I remember distinctly saying to him, 'You say I've got so much wrong with me, but I get good grades and I don't come home drunk...' I stormed off.
A while later my mom came into my room and said, "Your dad says he's sorry."
God is Father to the fatherless.
Some don't even have dads. There are different ways of dads being absent.
But God's always present. And he's a great present (pun intended).

According to Mirriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary*
Disown = to refuse to acknowledge as one's own
and
Redeem = to buy back

Well, I was bought back by God before I was disowned. That helped me through the family rejection. But more, it means I belonged to Him in the first place, whether I knew it or not.

The pic shows a road. When I was about 26 I read THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED by Scott Peck (he's dead now too because he got old and sick like my parents). The book is fab. It starts off, 'Life is tough... when you realize that it becomes a lot less tough.'** (Loose translation)

We never really know the road ahead. But it goes on, whether we go on it or not. It may be curvy, or straight, it may be rocky or smooth. But it's worth staying on it. Life's always interesting. Always enlightening. Always challenging. Always worth the pursuit.
That's what I think.

Stick it. It's worth it!

*eleventh edition, Part of Encyclopedia Britannica
** Arrow Books, Part of Random House UK

When I'm afraid

I am 53. But still, from time to time, I get afraid.

The difference between when I used to fear and how I fear now is that I've practiced and I've learned the key to fear is control.
So when I'm willing to give up control, the fear (usually) dissipates.

If I can give up control to a trustworthy source then I know I'm safe and in 'good hands'. Of course at 53 my parents can't help (they are deceased now anyway) and I know the limitations of other adults, such as my husband or other good friends. Counselors can be helpful at pointing me to ways to think that will combat the control or fear.

But God, who is getting very little press these days - in light of His lack of political correctness - I have found to be ultimately trustworthy, all-powerful and loving.

So, when I trust in Him, my fear (usually) dissipates. Proverbs chapter 3 says, 'Trust in the LORD and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.'

What about the times when the fear doesn't go away? I confess, I put my hands up (figuratively) and say, "God, I surrender. I can't manage this on my own." It helps to talk to friends, even though they can't help. It helps me to keep the shame away and keep me in the present.  Fear after all, is laced with worry about the future.

If we can live in the present and share where we're at - with God, with friends and family - then we can keep fear at bay.

It's nearly Christmas. If you're afraid of something, how about giving yourself a gift? The gift of hope: that there's a God that's bigger (and more powerful) than your fears and he's actually interested in lightening your load.

                  Remember: Nothing's a waste; everything has a point. Keep in it for the long haul!