Telling the Truth

INTEGRITY: Is Honesty and Option?

When I was a little kid my friend's mother asked me directly if her daughter had been eating chocolate. The daughter - my best friend - had chocolate ice cream stain around her mouth and on her chin. I remember thinking, my friend has said she hasn't eaten chocolate but she has. I said, "yes". My friend was led away and I didn't see her again until the next day when we met again to play.

When I was a little older and was being bullied, I was accused of lying. I'm not sure what accusation could have hurt me more.

You see, lying isn't an option for me. It never has been. Oh, there have been moments in my life when I've skirted an issue, like when my son asked me about Santa Claus. I never out-and-out said yes there was a Santa or 'Here's what Santa gave you' but rather he assumed all about Santa and the anonymous gift under the tree and I allowed him to draw his conclusions. Perhaps my absence of declaration is what led him to conclude there wasn't a Santa when he was barely 7 - a fairly young age.

I do remember once lying to my mother... only once, because I categorically believed at the time the truth would have upset her very much. By then I was about 20 so I didn't think she needed to know the truth about a particularly personal issue. That is the only blatant lie I'm aware of telling.

Fast forward I take a look at society today, when politicians lie, lawyers have a terrible reputation and television sit com stories hinge on lies, it's no wonder if it doesn't occur to people that lying is not an option.

Call me old fashioned, but I do believe it is possible to survive and keep relationships without lying. Sometimes the truth hurts, but generally I've seen that 'the truth sets us free' - when we hide behind lies we can often feel trapped, while admitting our failures or faux pas releases us from the shame that lies create, as well as giving us a clear conscience. Usually lies are said to protect, but I think if lying is not an option we are more apt to behave more honorably in the first place.

I'm not perfect. I know others with more integrity than I have. But in the case of lying, I've found telling the truth, though sometimes difficult, is a lifestyle that is healthier, friendlier and leads to more responsible behavior.

Can you think of a time when you've had to lie? How did you feel keeping the truth to yourself? Looking back, would you have done anything differently? Are there occasions when lying is the best option?

Would love to know your thoughts.

Love Your Neighbour

"Greater gift has no man than this: to lay down his life for his friends."

In this age of social networking and cyber bullying, it's not so easy to know who our friends are. But one thing is sure: we can know if we are a friend to others.

What is friendship? Is a friend someone to have a good laugh with, share an adventure with, or a secret? Is a friend someone who knows us inside and out and loves us anyway? Does it take time to make a good friend or can that happen overnight?

Friends are valuable to us, and hopefully we seldom take them for granted the way we do our family. While family members know us at our worst, we might not let friends see that side of us, at least not right away. We might hide our tears or our fears from friends, but then when 'crunch time' comes, how do we really know we can depend on them?

Or turning it around, how do we know we can be depended upon?

We who live in the Western World at least, live in culture that is pretty 'me' oriented. So if I turn the question on its head and say, 'how do I know I can be depended upon' it has a different flavor in my mouth. And it helps me to work out if I'm 'friend material' or not. I hope I am. I want to be.

As I look inside myself, I see a person who is loyal but also critical. Loyalty is something I admire and appreciate in my friends. But I don't want to be criticized and so I guess I should let that aspect of me 'die'.

What do you see inside yourself? What attributes contribute to your friendships? Which ones may get in the way? A man named Jesus literally died for all of us; in life and throughout literature, there are stories where one person sacrifices his life for another. But today I'm just suggesting, what part of your personality could you let die for the sake of your friends?

Classical Quest: All The Days of My Life in a Single Moment: Guest ...

Classical Quest: All The Days of My Life in a Single Moment: Guest ...: A couple months ago Tim Fall posted this piece on his blog, Just One Train Wreck After Another .  I loved it so much, I asked him if I co...

Sober or Intoxicated: Where are we running?

EXPLORING : Why Do We Over-Indulge?

I love a glass of dry red wine from time to time. Chardonnay is alright but when I was 19 I got really drunk on white wine and to this day I don’t really enjoy white like I did before that episode.

Why do so many young adults drink more than they need to? For me I think it was a learning curve – testing out how much is too much, and how much is enough. And that’s cool. We learn as children after Easter how much is ‘too much’ chocolate. We often learn the hard way what are our limits.

But sometimes we eat or drink , work or play ‘too hard’ because we don’t really want to stop and face what life is giving us. But you know what? I’ve learned that everything put before us is for ultimate good. I’ve friends who lost a child aged 9. The daughter fell out of a tree and broke her neck. For sure it was a horrible tragedy to endure. But years later, they’ve raised their other two children to adulthood and have helped hundreds of people through bereavement.

There are some things that happen to us that we don’t bring on ourselves. There are heinous crimes being committed against innocent people. But good can come from evil and facing our pain brings the pain to an eventual conclusion.

Whatever the reason for ‘too much’ in our lives, there is always a way to face and to overcome. Time heals, God heals; starting again is a healing process. Whatever the pain, whatever the cause for grief, a tear shed is one less tear holding onto you, and one more step toward wholeness.

Character grows out of adversity. Trust that and you can climb over any mountain, even if it is only one step at a time.

You can check out my twitter account: @disowndredeemd for relevant bits and bites or see www.freetobelaruspress.wordpress.com for more stuff.

What is Love?

"Love is patient, love is kind, love does not keep a record of wrongs..."

Many couples have this text read at their weddings, at least in the West. It comes from the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13. The full definition of love, comprised in a few short lines (see below) encompasses the single most sought-after desire in the universe. We all need love. Insanity, even death grows when there is a lack of love in someone's life.

But what is love, in practical terms? How do I know if I'm loving 'enough' or worthy of the love I'm offered?

For me the benchmark for love is 'how far am I willing to go for someone else?' The more I'm willing to give/sacrifice/risk the greater my love. For example, I know I love my child and my husband a lot. I know this, not because I feel excited when I see them or enjoy their company, though I do. But I know I love them because I've put their interests, needs before my own on many occasions. I love myself too, as demonstrated by the (healthy) practice of sometimes putting my own needs first. And based on this marker of assessment, I love others too, but I confess it is on a sliding scale. Some people are just not as important to me as my husband or my son and so I give less to them.

But I am a Believer and Follower of Jesus and as such, I must also consider, how much do I love him? It's one of those questions Followers ask of themselves because it is a part of their faith to do so.
If my faith is sincere, will I give up everything for Jesus? Do I love him more than my hubby, my child, myself? From many pulpits we are encouraged to walk that walk if, indeed we profess 'Christianity'. But do I?

I have begun to read a book called "The Imitation of Christ" written in the fifteenth century. I only read the chapter headings and the introduction to discover, I don't love Jesus nearly as much as I thought I did before opening the cover of the book. The book has sparked in me the realization that what I profess and what I practice are not identical. While I know I'm loved by God anyway, it doesn't make me feel good to be less than I thought.

But as this blog is about being 'up with life' and 'living purposefully' I must get to the positive perspective of this post: Who I am may not be all I thought I was, but who I am is alright with God and Jesus' love shows me that. And although I may not be as sincere in my love as I thought I was, being honest with myself and continuing to aim to give up for others shows me I'm on the right track.

Being a hypocrite is easy; being perfect is hard. But being sincere in the effort to love and to receive love is the path that most of us are on and which is the path that leads to peace of mind, hope and good relationships.

My Family

So, what is love? Love is being patient, kind, honouring toward others and myself. If I can forgive myself my inconsistencies, I'm better able to forgive others theirs, and closer to being the loving person I want to be.

(1 Corinthians 13: Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends")

MEMOIRE

There are moments in our lives when we just have to draw in from what's going on and look back to see where we've come from to get the perspective that life is picking up!

When I was 30 life slammed me a big bucket of crap and what did I do? I observed. I was in shock at revelations of my passed that I'd buried deeply and efficiently way behind my memory. And shock saved me a lot of pain. I processed a history I'd forgotten I'd lived, an abusive history, and because I was in shock I intellectualized the ugly truth, which spared me emotional agony. And once I'd gotten used to the idea of what had been my young life at home, I finally could feel again and the feelings and the tears surfaced and were shed so that I could breathe and exists and thrive.

I'd lived under a cloud most of my life and I didn't even know there was sun! But repressed memories will surface when it's safe for us to cope.

I clung to 3 bits of wisdom through this:

SOAR! Glimpse from Far Above to See How Vast the Future Is

1. Have a small circle of friends you can count on to download a little every now and then. I believe I never burdened or dumped on anyone, but there were a handful of trusted friends I could go to, one-on-one, from time to time, just to share a piece I didn't want to carry. THANK YOU DEAR FRIENDS.

2. Believe and trust yourself. There will be the temptation to doubt but that's part of the cloud. You've stepped out so stay out! If you weren't strong enough to handle this, you wouldn't have made it this far. And anyway, truth sets us free to freedom is at hand.

3. Trust and believe in the Holy Spirit. Without Him, I can't imagine how I'd have coped. He gave me comfort and assurance beyond human understanding.

I've not described any gory details. None are necessary. The point is that life is truth and freedom. There is plenty of room for privacy but no need for secrecy or shame. You've come this far under a cloud. Imagine what lies in store without it!?



2. 

Forgiving - Myself

Sometimes I am tempted to come down pretty hard on myself. Then I remember a time when I realized it was time to stop beating myself up emotionally.

One day, while sitting on my living room carpet, I was criticizing myself - berating myself in fact. I had realized I'd just made another bad decision....

Here was the scenario:
I was a struggling actress and I had been offered a bit part for no pay. So, I said "No, thank you," thinking I was made for better a contract than that. And then I realized after it was too late to change my mind -- and even before the film became a 'hit' -- that I'd missed the boat.

So, typical of me, having realized I'd made a mistake, I then proceeded to berate myself: mentally and emotionally beating myself up for being so blind and so stupid as to turn down an offer of film acting.
During this session of self-criticism it dawned on me: How long was I going to do this? Was there any real purpose in it? It wasn't going to change the situation. And if I wasn't meant to 'judge' other people, that must also surely include myself.

So, I stopped the emotional tirade upon myself (that was about 15 years ago). And decided that was a habit worth breaking for good.

I've not done that since. A bad habit was broken that day, a habit I'd formed from childhood or at least my teen years.

What good is it to put oneself down? To abuse oneself does not do any good. Yes we need to learn from our mistakes so we don't repeat them, but self-criticism is not helpful if it causes us to shame ourselves.

Forgiveness is very freeing, not as much for the person who is forgiven but particularly for the one holding the grudge. Unforgiveness binds us to the past whereas forgiveness sets us free from bitterness and pain, allowing us to move into the present and the future. I've never been one to hold a grudge. And when I learned not to punish myself, I learned not to hold a grudge against myself. That was entirely liberating!

Whatever unforgiveness shackles you, may I urge you to let it go?!